No Mother’s Day gift guide from this blog this year. Instead, on this Mother’s Day I hope you don’t mind as I indulge myself in writing some of my thoughts here on motherhood. About four years ago, before becoming pregnant, I was sure I would lead a childless life and I was welcoming of it (I even wrote a whole post about looking forward to a childless future that I never published because I couldn’t get it right—I touch upon it here three and half years ago). I knew (and I still know) that I would have been happy without children. A childless life would just have been different, with different pros and cons. But alas, we decided to try one more time and miracle upon miracles I got pregnant (I had fibroids, which I didn’t know about, that had made getting pregnant difficult). And because of a fraught pregnancy (again thanks to the fibroids), we were especially overjoyed to welcome our daughter into this world. But do I sometimes look down the childless path not taken? Yes, but not often. I imagine that path to be full of travel, running an Airstream rental business, more time for myself, and a bit more adventure. And yet I appreciate my current life with a child.
Now as I reflect on this occasion, my fourth Mother’s Day, I am grateful for what motherhood has taught me so far:
Without pregnancy, I would have never known what it’s like to appreciate my body for the amazing things it can do instead of what it looks like. My body isn’t an ornament, but rather it’s an instrument for growing life and feeding a newborn. The miracle of growing life inside my womb has given me a new respect for my physical form, even if the actual pregnancy changed my body irrevocably. I have less body shame post-pregnancy even though it had looked decidedly better pre-pregnancy.
It’s been such a joy to get to know my daughter. Since I don’t have siblings, I never really knew anyone related to me who was very similar and yet different. With my daughter, I can see that she has some of my (along with my husband’s) physical and mental attributes and yet she is completely her own person. She has a extrovertedness that is all her own.
{Wearing: Matching Hanna Andersson dresses, Rudy Jude top (review coming soon), Small Lot Co shoes}
Without motherhood, I would never have appreciated my father’s parenting style. It still saddens me that I can never share this with my dad (since he passed a couple months before Emi’s birth). After my parents divorced, I was raised by my mom and saw my dad on weekends. Thus I always thought his kindness and spoiling of me was because he didn’t get to see me much. But now I understand it’s because he was a patient man who always saw the good in me. My mom raised me with the belief that she was strict/controlled me because she loved me. She didn’t want me to become a bad person. And so I thought I would be the loving ‘bad cop’ parent when I became a mom. But no, I’m not that parent. I’m more like my dad than I realized.
That being said, once my mom has seen me parent my kid she’s also mellowed out on her parenting of me. And some of her first compliments given to me were about my parenting (and what a weird feeling that was to be complimented by my Asian immigrant mother). But I’ll take it because it’s been so nice to feel like my mother trusts me and my judgement after all these years.
I have some skin in the game now, so to speak. As an only child, with very few kids in my family tree, I thought my biggest contribution to sustainability on this earth would be to not have a child (along with all my little contributions of buying better, buying less, etc.). Well that was not the path I took, and now that I have some personal ties to the future generation I’m more determined than ever to reverse the tides of climate change and bring about change for the better (it’s time to get more involved!).
Thanks to being responsible for another human being, I’ve found that I take care of myself better. I’m currently alcohol-free, a decision that was made with Emi in mind. I’m also more aware of my attitudes and reactions, knowing that my kid is watching me.
When she’s done with the photo shoot she’s done lol
Anyway if you’ve made it down here, thanks for letting me share some of my scattered thoughts on the subject. This post may be more for me (and maybe even for Emi in the future—I do hope she reads my blog someday). And for all those who celebrate it today, a happy mother’s day to you!