Before this week I’ve heard the term “doing the work” bandied about and I never really understood it. Or maybe I just disregarded it because it made me uncomfortable or because I didn’t think it applied since I’m not white. I’m also pretty sure I never did the work because I never had a child. But now that my views and biases will get passed down to her, now it definitely matters. Regardless I’m ashamed to say that it has taken me this long to finally sit with the discomfort and face my role in all this. By not speaking up, I am that Asian police officer in the group that killed George Floyd (and thank goodness he was there because then the Asian American community can no longer excuse their silence). But better late than never? I hope so.

Though I grew up in Hawaii where there are less racial tensions and a lot more hapas (half White/half Asian), there is still racism towards Black people (called Popolo in Hawaii slang—next time you hear that in Hawaii, know that it’s a derogatory word). There are so few Black people who grow up on the islands (most are tourists or military) that I’m sure many locals don’t view anti-Black racism as their problem. The racism is there but never addressed. It’s racism behind closed doors, and it’s just as pervasive and dangerous as overt racism because we’re passing it down from generation to generation. That’s why I need to do the work. Because the buck stops here.

I’m sorry for all the times I laughed at racists jokes, where I encouraged that behavior in others. I’m deeply ashamed that I’ve made a few racist jokes myself in the past. I’m ashamed to say I only started following BIPOC influencers last year (and I’m ashamed to say I excused myself for not doing so earlier because I thought I had a different kind of style than most black influencers—so not true and so ignorant). I’m guilty of thinking that since I’m not white and have faced discrimination that I don’t have to do anything. This is me just beginning to come to terms with my errors. I’ll probably keep making mistakes along my path to becoming an ally—I’ll admit I don’t think I’m there yet. But I’m going to keep trying.

I’m still continuing to learn all the ways I can do better, and every person has their own work to do. As for me, I’m committing to reading the anti-racists books from my last post and continuing to learn. I’m going to use my small platform here to promote BIPOC brands (I’m sorry to say I just started doing so with my TwoDaysOff Clothing review). I’ll also continue to donate to BLM and other anti-racist organizations. I understand this is the least I can do right now. But I promise, I’ll continue working, listening, and learning.